Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this! It is from an orthopedic surgeon..... ....... This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see it if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
6 PRINCIPLES OF LIFE
• No point using limited life to chase unlimited money
• No point earning so much money you cannot live to spend it.
• Money is not yours until you spend it.
• When you are young, you use your health to chase your wealth;
when you are old, you use your wealth to buy back your health.
Difference is that, it is too late.
• How happy a man is, is not how much he has but how little he needs.
• No point working so hard to provide for the people you have no
time to spend with.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.
After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop
decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he
decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with
his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a
suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to
his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the
street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the
bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a
bell.”
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”
“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”
“No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, – “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing I didn’t do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn’t do my book project.
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”
A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.” “Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked. “A billionaire.”
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
“We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive.”
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, “God Save The Queen,” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, “Viva La France,” and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, “Remember the Alamo,” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Q. What kind of bird can write?
A. A pen-guin
Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!
Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A. Its Christmas, Eve.
Q. Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?
A. Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?
A. She gave him the cold shoulder.
Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A. Ice caps.
Q. How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
A. Fleece Navidad!
Q. What is a snowman’s favorite lunch?
A. An Iceberger!
Q. What do vampires put on their Christmas turkey?
A. Grave-y.
Q. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
A. I’ll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q. What do you call a snowman party?
A. A Snowball!
Q. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet!
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
A. Frost bite!
Q. What do you call an Eskimo cow?
A. An Eskimoo.
Q. How is the Christmas alphabet different from the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
Q. What do the elves sing to Santa Claus on his birthday?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow . . .
Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
A. Sandy Claws!
Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.
Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A. Thanks, I’ll never part with it!
Q. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A. Because he had the drum sticks.
Q. What do you when if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple.
Q. What did the big candle say to the little candle?
A. I’m going out tonight.
Q. Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
A. He was stuffed!
Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A. Because it soots him.
Q. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce?
A. A snowball!
Q. What’s the best thing to put into Christmas pie?
A. Your teeth!
Q. What do you get when you eat the Christmas decorations?
A. Tinsel-itus.
Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.
Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Missletoe!
Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.
Q. What does Santa like to eat?
A. A jolly roll.
Q. How does Santa take pictures?
A. With his North Pole-aroid.
Q. What’s white and goes up?
A. A confused snowflake!
Q. What do you call an old snowman?
A. Water!
Q. What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Q. What goes: now you see me, now you don’t; now you see me, now you don’t?
A. A snowman on a zebra crossing!
Q. What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q. What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
A. Santa walking backwards!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!
Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can ho ho ho!
Q. When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A. In the dictionary!
Q. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas one has no L (noel)!
Q. What do you have in December that’s not in any other month?
A. The letter D!
Q. Why is it always cold at Christmas?
A. Because it’s in Decemberrrr!
Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night!
Q. What’s impossible to overtake at Christmas?
A. The three wide men!
Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy!
Q. How does a snowman lose weight?
A. He waits for the weather to get warmer!
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted flakes!
Q. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A. Can you smell carrot?
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite!
Q. Where do snowmen go to dance?
A. A snow ball!
Q. How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?
A. Only one, after that it’s not empty anymore!
Q. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A. Tinselitus!
Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Deep and crisp and even!
Q. What carol is heard in the dessert?
A. Camel ye faithful!
Q. What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A. Jungle bells, jungle bells!
Q. What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
A. Sandy claws!
Q. What is Santa’s dog called?
A. Santa Paws!
Q. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A. Santa Jaws!
Q. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!
Q. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit?
A. Crisp Cringle!
Q. What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn’t move?
A. Santa Pause!
Q. How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A. A merry Christmas to ewe!
Q. What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple!
Q. What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
A. Neither, candles always burn shorter!
Q. Why are turkeys wiser than chickens?
A. Ever heard of Kentucky Fried Turkey?
Q. What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
A. He got 12 months!
Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic!
Q. Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A. They both drop needles!
Q. What often falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
A. Snow!
Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Read out loud the text inside the triangle below.
if this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see
that the word THE is repeated twice!
Sorry, look again.
Next, let's play with some words.
What do you see?
What do you see here?
The word TEACH reflects as LEARN.
Last one.
What do you see?
when you look through ME you will see YOU!
Do you need to look again? Test Your Brain
This is really cool. The second one is amazing so please read all the way though.
Count every ' F ' in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process 'OF'.
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 'F's' on the first go is a genius.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on !!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, Just for fun, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says: "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies: "The one on the right."
''That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The mother replies," I didn't like her!"
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Q. What has four legs but can't walk?
A. A table!
Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the Shell station!
Q. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
A. You crack me up!
Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!
Q. Why did the elephant eat the candle?
A. He wanted a light snack!
Q. Why is the letter "G" scary?
A. It turns a host into a ghost
Q. What has 4 eyes but no face?
A. Mississippi!
Q. What did the spider do on the computer?
A. Made a website!
Q. What letters are not in the alphabet?
A. The ones in the mail, of course!
Q. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 789!
Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A. Because it felt crummy.
Q. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A. Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
Q. What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A. A little horse
Q. What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A. Nacho Cheese
Q. Why did the sheep say "moo"?
A. It was learning a new language!
Q. What streets do ghosts haunt?
A. Dead ends!
Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A. The Space bar!
Q. What exam do young witches have to pass?
A. A spell-ing test!
Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?
A. Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q. Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A. Because you dribble on the floor!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
|
| BARBIE DOLL has her 50th birthday this year....... |
CHILDHOOD
SUPERHEROES?
SUPERMAN
Maybe life is not the party that we were expecting, but in the mean time, we're here and we can still dance....."
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Yo mama's so fat, I took a picture of her last christmas and it is still printing.
Yo mana so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
Yo mana's so fat she wore a yellow raincoat and people yelled "Taxi"
Yo Mama's so stupid she stole a free sample.
Yo Mama's so stupid that when she saw a "Wet Floor" sign she did.
Yo Mama's so stupid she can't read an audio book.
Yo Mama's so stupid she thought Thailand was a men's clothing store.
Your mom's so fat, she has to buy two airplane tickets.
Your mothers so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Your mothers so fat, she irons her clothes on the driveway.
Your mothers so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.
Your mothers so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said "To be continued"
Yo mama so fat, she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo mama so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"
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