Cartoons

The philosopher Schopenhaur once said truth passes through 3 stages.
First it is ridiculed, then it is opposed, then finally it is accepted as self evident.

You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.
—Wayne Gretzky

Jokes

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Jokes

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says, "I just need to outrun you

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you're gonna die."

Jokes

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Jokes

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really terrible when you're drunk, Superman."

A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."

The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."

The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."

Jokes

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During world war II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Jokes

Jokes

Jokes

Mr. Samy-vellu went for the recent United Nations' Meeting. He
represented the Malaysian Prime Minister. All nations were
discussing about space exploration by the year 2003. Here are
some of the conversations:

China Delegate : 'By 2003, China will start their moon
exploration project.'

Russian Delegate : 'We too, we are going to explore the moon.
This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on
the moon.'

George Bush : 'We the United States will also explore the moon for
the second time.'

Malaysian Delegate: 'By 2003, Malaysia will explore the sun.'

There was a long silence. Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian
Delegate: 'Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?'

Samy Vellu (after a long silence): 'We will do it in the evening.'

Car jackings

'WARNING FROM POLICE - BEWARE OF PAPER ON THE BACK WINDOW OF YOUR VEHICLE

--NEW WAY TO DO CARJACKINGS'


Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating... You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside. You start the engine and shift into Reverse. When you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift into Park, unlock your doors, and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the carjackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They practically mow you down as they speed off in your car. And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car. So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your money, and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are now compromised!

BEWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED.

If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, just drive away. Remove the paper later. And be thankful that you read this e-mail. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, especially to women. A purse contains all kinds of; personal information and identification documents, and you certainly do NOT want this to fall into the wrong hands.


Please keep this going

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Eating fruits

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish. '

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing 
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch

Recession

"The Wedding Finger"

EVER WONDERED WHY WEDDING RINGS
SHOULD BE ON YOUR FOURTH FINGER AND
NO WHERE ELSE?
READ AND TRY THIS, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT

Why should the wedding ring be worn on the fourth finger?

There is a beautiful and convincing explanation given by the Chinese .....

The thumb represents your Parents.

The second (index) finger represents your Siblings.

The middle finger represents you.

The fourth (ring) finger represents your Life Partner.

The last (little) finger represents your children.

First, open your palms (face to face),bend the middle fingers and hold them together,back to back.

Second, open and hold the remaining three fingersand the thumb - tip to tip.



Now, try to separate your thumbs (representing the parents). They will open, because your parents are not destined to live with you lifelong, and have to leave you sooner or later.

Please join your thumbs as before and separate your Index fingers (representing siblings).. They will also open, because your brothers and sisters will have their own families and will have to lead their separate lives.

Now rejoin the index fingers and separate your little fingers (representing your children). They will open too, because the children also will get married and settle down on their own some day.

Finally, rejoin your little fingers, and try to separate your ring fingers (representing your spouse). You'll be surprised to see that you just CANNOT, because husband & wife have to remain together all their lives - through thick and thin!!

3 men die and go to heaven. St. Peter is standing at the gate and asks the first man how long were you married the man replied 40 years. St Peter asks how long were you faithful. The man replied 40 years. St. Peter replied you get the rolls royce to drive around in heaven.

the second walks up. St. Peter asks him how long he was married and how long he was faithful. The man replied St. Peter I was Married 40 years but only faithful for 20. St. Peter replies you get this beetle to drive around in heaven in.

The third man walks up and St. Peter asks him the same question. The man replies I was married for 40 years but only faithful for 10years. St. Peter said you get the moped to drive in heaven So the man with the moped and the man with the beetle was driving and saw the man with the rolls royce off the side of the road crying they asked him what was wrong the man replied OH! LORD! I just saw my wife roll by on a skateboard.

16 April Malaysia: When a mother of four received a telephone call from a stranger on Tuesday claiming her children had been abducted, she nearly fainted.
The caller demanded RM100,000 ransom and the woman became frantic as she did not know how to raise the money.

But the 37-year-old soon gathered her wits about her and went to the schools where her children, aged between 12 and 16, were studying and found that all were safe and sound.

Relieved, she lodged a report at the district police station.

State Criminal Investigation Department chief Assistant Commissioner T. Narenasa-garan said the woman was working at a daycare centre in Jalan Haji Ahmad when she received the call about noon on Tuesday.
He said the woman told police she did not recognise the caller's voice, adding that when she told the caller she only had RM10,000, the man suggested she borrow money from her friends.

"He then told her where they were supposed to meet before hanging up."

Several reports have been published in newspapers recently on the use of tactics by syndicates.

The callers would claim the children of their intended victim had been abducted and demand ransoms, even though no kidnappings had taken place.

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then.”

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”

“Bring them along! And you, come with me too!”, he said to the other man.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” The second man answered.

“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The rich man replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!”

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s manipulation.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re self-centered.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

One day, God sent three politicians, Clinton, Ghandi and Mahatir to Heaven by mistake. So he told them, ‘I’ve sent the three of you here too early. You aren’t suppose to die yet. Therefore, I’m going to send you back down and before that, you can ask me a question that you want to know about.’

So, Clinton asked ‘When is America going to become big and busy and rich?’

God answered, ‘Another 50 years.’

Clinton wept and threw a tantrum.

God asked him his reason for his behavior and Clinton said, ‘I’m afraid I don’t have that long a life to see that.’

Next, Ghandi asked, ‘When is India going to be big and busy and rich?’

God answered, ‘Another 100 years.’ Ghandi reacted as Clinton did and gave the same reason for acting that way.

Lastly, Mahatir asked, ‘When is Malaysia going to be big and busy and rich?’

This time, God wept.

A little old Asian lady goes to the doctor in China, and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me too much… my farts never smell, and they’re always quiet. But I’ve been doing it very often.”

The doctor asks her to explain more, and the old lady says, “In fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You probably didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and they’re silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. “The next week the lady comes back.

“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Have a look at this guy playing the MacGyver theme song.

Don't charge your mobile the whole night. PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY, I HOPE
YOU'RE NOT DOING THIS !!! Never, ever answer a cell phone while it is being RECHARGED !! A few days ago, a person was recharging his cell phone at home. Just at that time a call came in and he answered it with the instrument still connected to the outlet. After a few seconds Electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and the young man was thrown to the ground with a heavy thud. His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers. He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival. Cell phones are a very useful modern invention. However, we must be aware that it can also be an instrument of death! Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the electrical outlet ! FORWARD THIS TO THE PEOPLE THAT MATTER IN YOUR LIFE .