Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop
decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he
decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with
his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a
suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to
his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the
street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the
bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a
bell.”

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”
“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”
“No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, – “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing I didn’t do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn’t do my book project.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”

Yo mama is so old, I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo momma is so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

  Yo momma is so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo momma is so old her memory is black and white.

Yo momma is so fat, she needs a hula hoop to keep her socks up.

Yo momma is so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.

Yo momma is so fat, when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo momma is so fat, when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.” “Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked. “A billionaire.”

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
“We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive.”
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, “God Save The Queen,” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, “Viva La France,” and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, “Remember the Alamo,” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Q. What kind of bird can write?
A. A pen-guin

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!

Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A. Its Christmas, Eve.

Q. Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?
A. Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?
A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A. Ice caps.

Q. How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
A. Fleece Navidad!

Q. What is a snowman’s favorite lunch?
A. An Iceberger!

Q. What do vampires put on their Christmas turkey?
A. Grave-y.

Q. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
A. I’ll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q. What do you call a snowman party?
A. A Snowball!

Q. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet!

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
A. Frost bite!

Q. What do you call an Eskimo cow?
A. An Eskimoo.

Q. How is the Christmas alphabet different from the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Q. What do the elves sing to Santa Claus on his birthday?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow . . .

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
A. Sandy Claws!

Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A. Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

Q. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A. Because he had the drum sticks.

Q. What do you when if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple.

Q. What did the big candle say to the little candle?
A. I’m going out tonight.

Q. Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
A. He was stuffed!

Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A. Because it soots him.

Q. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce?
A. A snowball!

Q. What’s the best thing to put into Christmas pie?
A. Your teeth!

Q. What do you get when you eat the Christmas decorations?
A. Tinsel-itus.

Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.

Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Missletoe!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What does Santa like to eat?
A. A jolly roll.

Q. How does Santa take pictures?
A. With his North Pole-aroid.

Q. What’s white and goes up?
A. A confused snowflake!

Q. What do you call an old snowman?
A. Water!

Q. What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Q. What goes: now you see me, now you don’t; now you see me, now you don’t?
A. A snowman on a zebra crossing!

Q. What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q. What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can ho ho ho!

Q. When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A. In the dictionary!

Q. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas one has no L (noel)!

Q. What do you have in December that’s not in any other month?
A. The letter D!

Q. Why is it always cold at Christmas?
A. Because it’s in Decemberrrr!

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night!

Q. What’s impossible to overtake at Christmas?
A. The three wide men!

Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy!

Q. How does a snowman lose weight?
A. He waits for the weather to get warmer!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted flakes!

Q. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A. Can you smell carrot?

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite!

Q. Where do snowmen go to dance?
A. A snow ball!

Q. How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?
A. Only one, after that it’s not empty anymore!

Q. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A. Tinselitus!

Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Deep and crisp and even!

Q. What carol is heard in the dessert?
A. Camel ye faithful!

Q. What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A. Jungle bells, jungle bells!

Q. What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
A. Sandy claws!

Q. What is Santa’s dog called?
A. Santa Paws!

Q. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A. Santa Jaws!

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!

Q. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit?
A. Crisp Cringle!

Q. What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn’t move?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A. A merry Christmas to ewe!

Q. What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple!

Q. What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
A. Neither, candles always burn shorter!

Q. Why are turkeys wiser than chickens?
A. Ever heard of Kentucky Fried Turkey?

Q. What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
A. He got 12 months!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic!

Q. Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A. They both drop needles!

Q. What often falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
A. Snow!

Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum – you can’t beat it!