Jokes

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, ???Do you have water????

The Jewish man replied, ???I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.???

The Taliban shouted, ???Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!???

???OK, OK??? said the old Jewish man, ???It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.???

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead??? ???Your brother won???t let me in without a tie!???

Jokes

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Jokes

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place, as it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Jokes

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Jokes

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

The Lawyer and the Chinese

A lawyer and and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he
could get over on them, easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game.

The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the
lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches
in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese
pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Schoolbus in India

Schoolbus in Japan

Japanese apartments

Jokes

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

Joke

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Nice ad

Moral of the story

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Moral of the story

A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.

He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.

He sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.

While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same.

Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same.

An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too.

So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Sukhwinder, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey
story from his grandfather.

One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest.

It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree.

He remembered his grandfather?s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed.

He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.

Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Sukhwinder threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said .........................


Guess What????????

...................................................

.............................................

.....................................


"You think only you have a grandfather ?!!!"

New ringtone

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain.

Benefits of bananas

1. Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

2. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.

3. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

4. Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

5. Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

6. Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

7. Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

8. Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

9. Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

10. Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

11. Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!

12. Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at wor k leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

13. Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

14. Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

15. Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

16. Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

17. So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

18. Want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit !

Tech tip

If you often use removable USB devices like a flash drive,etc, you are familiar with the “Safely Remove Hardware” icon that sits in the system tray.

The problem is that the icon is tiny, and clicking it just right to bring up the menu is uneasy.

We can make a shortcut icon to bring up the dialog which is quite easier than clicking on the tiny icon.

Create a Shortcut to the Safely Remove Hardware

Create a shortcut icon by Right -click on Desktop then
select New->Shortcut
In the Location text box, just copy and paste the text below.

RunDll32.exe shell32.dll,Control_RunDLL hotplug.dll

Give a name for the shortcut icon(eg:unplug) and click Finish.

A shortcut icon will be created, just double click on the icon to get the safely remove hardware dialog

Thanks to Tech corner.

Meeting rules for managers:

1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

Jokes

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Jokes

Two ants were in a sand trap watching a duffer flailing away.

"Quick," said the one ant to the other. "Get on the ball before he kills us."

“An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colorblind.” Albert Schweitzer

“Be the change that you want to see in the world.” M. Gandhi

Jokes

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

HTC Touch HD

HTC Touch HD

Bought my unit two months ago for about US$860.

Protection:
Installed the Zagg Invisible Shield. Generally works and it is difficult to make scratches if you try with a key or hard object but lo and behold, I got a large scratch in the middle of the screen after wiping it with a soft lens cloth! Must have been a pebble or some sort. Not sure if I can return it as I bought it second hand off a local vendor.

I decided not to use a leather casing as it makes it too bulky and hides the main feature of the phone, which is its slim profile and large screen.

Mail:
It handles emails very well. The best part is that you can route Hotmail, Gmail and Microsoft Exchange emails to this phone. Hotmail and Gmail settings are done thru the Mail tab of TouchFlo 3d while you can use ActiveSync to connect to Microsoft Exchange for your office emails. Just go to configure server, key in the server address, answer a few questions and it works as advertised.

I use Maxis in Malaysia for the Microsoft Exchange email updates and have signed up for the unlimited package of RM99. So far, there are no major issues with receiving and sending office emails. Contact numbers, calendar appointments and tasks to complete are all synchronized through the phone and makes it all very convenient and easy to use.

I recommend not updating the servers so frequently for new emails especially for non-peak hours. This helps to save on battery life. I have tried roaming once and it worked without any problems.

Window 6.5 seems to handle emails ok without having to purchase and install Microsoft Outlook.

SMS is also handled well. Multiple SMS from the same number will be shown in the order they are received. Due to the screen resolution, a lot of info can be seen on screen at the same time. The only gripe so far is that the SMS goes from old to new, instead of the other way around. This means you have to click on the “newer” links often to get to the latest messages.

Phone:
No major issues with the phone application. Only used Video calls once and it works as advertised. There is no way to use Skype for video calls at the moment as I am told the bandwidth for encrypted video in Skype is too strenuous for the CPU in the HTC. Skype voice calls are quite clear and work as advertised although I haven’t really used it much yet.

The phone takes a standard audio jack and you don’t have to use the supplied hands free kit to take phone calls as a normal set of earphones can do the job as well.

Internet:
The unit uses the Opera browser. This is where the 480 X 800 screen comes into play. You can either display the pages exactly as the designer intended or you can choose a mobile version. I personally use the full version as it is easier to navigate and looks much cooler. The unit also switches to landscape mode automatically when you swivel the phone but the only problem is that there is a slight bug when you need to access the bookmarks which are only shown in portrait mode. The other lesser gripe is that you can only have 3 sheets or tabs in this version of Opera. I find the launching of Opera to be a bit slow – 3-4 seconds but after that, it is ok. I can’t really tell the difference between HSDPA, 3G, Edge and GRPS as I haven’t really downloaded any large files yet.

Weather application:
Very cool feature as you are given the weather update for the day as well as the forecast for the next four days. Doesn’t seem to be always accurate but when is weather forecasting always accurate. You can monitor as many as 10 locations throughout the world.

Music application:
Cannot really comment as I don’t listen to music that much. The pacakged 8gb MicroSD card can keep quite a number of songs, though.

Camera and album:
I find the camera focus to be a bit slow and the subject has to be almost still in order to take good pictures. Shots in ambient night light is terrible, as expected but daytime shots are quite good. The album application is quite nifty and the pictures can switch to landscape modes automatically following the phone orientation. The slideshow feature is quite cool as well.

Stock application:
Data is apparently obtained from Yahoo money and it is very convenient to get the latest quotes on your stock as well as the major stock indices like Dow Jones and Nasdaq. You can also get the 5 day, 1 month, 3 month, 6 month, 1 year and 2 year charts as well.

Programs:
So far, I find the following applications to be very useful, RSS reader for the latest news from various sources, Garmin for the GPS system (it really works!), YouTube, YouTube player for downloaded movies and Skype. There aren’t too many games for this phone but I guess this phone is not designed for games per se (e.g. no keypad). The one feature that Windows 6.5 works very well compared to a phone like Blackberry is that it handles Microsoft Excel and Word very well. The worksheets in Excel look exactly as they should.

Battery Life:
Battery lasts for about about 24 hours with around 5 calls, casual browsing and emails activated. However, if you turn on Wifi, it will last for only about 6-8 hours tops. I find that using Wifi is unnecessary as this phone supports HSDPA and 3G which makes browsing fast enough for me.

Others:
HTC should have tried to fit in a keypad and some hardware keys on this unit as it would have been more efficient and convenient. Also, a quicker way to lock the keypad/handset would be better instead of having to press the hang up key for a few seconds.

Overall impressions so far:
Could have been cheaper but the convenience and tight integration with Microsoft Exchange and Office makes it worthwhile. The fact that the GPS system works so well makes it a good purchase as well.

Latest car jacking methods

Another car hijacking incident reported,

Time: Night

Location: Along LDP near Kelana Jaya

A 2007 Camry was hit by another 2007 Camry (suspected as another stolen vehicle) from behind. Owner, upon stopping to check the damage, 4 Indian men appeared with Parangs and robbed the car. The victim was slashed twice on the arm before the Indian Car Hijacker drove away the vehicle with the victim's wife still in the car. The victim's wife was forced to jump out of the car a short distance later, while the vehicle was moving, suffering injuries.